Breaking it down and building it up — The Year-End Analysis Returns

I will start with the cliché. Time waits for none. As I begin dissecting this year and all the things that passed me by, I am glad I can say I am quite okay with most of it. That is as honest as I can be about my fast-vanishing optimism.

Continuing in that vein, I anchored shows in a studio, did the news like I wanted to (almost), finally found out what it is like to pass out and get my head cracked open, graduated again, got a job that gives me the sort of freedom that makes me wonder if life is spoiling me, wrote a lot, made new friends, got rid of the bad ones, remembered why I love the old ones, got closer to my probably finally getting over The Boy, met new boys and learnt the value of being busy on a bad day.

On the flipside, I screwed up and doubted my abilities on a daily basis, hit my head hard enough for them to chop my hair off and was out of action for a week, got a job that makes me wonder what I am doing with my life on bad days, realised I cannot love someone unconditionally without loving myself, realised that no one deserves a slap in the face when they love with their hearts wide open, that some friends are not permanent, your parents are not always going to be looking out for you and that there is no way out once you become an adult.

There is no way out.

You have to live with yourself, so you might as well make the choices you are pretty sure you won’t regret later. Even if you do regret them, know that you probably will not leave the building without a lesson.

I feel quite hard-hearted when I say that I have finally learnt to shut off the one voice in my head that told me to hold on to The Boy. But, some things are only as real as we want them to be. Only one of us thought it was real. So, we turned the page again. This chapter ends here. For now.

As someone who has always planned her life, this year proved to me over and over that passion is unplanned. I will find happiness in the most unlikely places and it’s not going to look like a lot of fun, but it works. I am lost, but only starting to find myself. Thankfully, age is on my side.

We are all only as beautiful as we allow ourselves to be. So, guess what. You look great in that dress. PUT IT ON.

I’m putting my dress on too. It’s a heavier heart and a more forced smile. But, at least I will be having fun. Or so I tell myself.

Things He Told Me — Part III

I’d say my guilt drives me down
the road I’d rather not walk without you.
We share the blame of our mistakes.
Our selfish needs get in the way.

Bodies intertwine in an exchange of words.
I give myself away for nothing but a smile.

I’d whine but my heart is full.
Overflowing as we speak,
Adding more with every sigh on my neck.

“You’re more in my head, I guess.”

I throw my head back and laugh,
Intoxicated with power.
But, the truth is you are the one holding the rein in your hand.
Let me go.

Things He Told Me — Part II

If someone gave me a time machine —
A time machine that worked —
I’d probably go back to a night of hushed voices and muffled laughter,
The only version of pillow talk we’ve ever known.

Being seventeen meant neither you nor I knew any better,
But, we were too busy talking to even notice.
We built our fantasies on nothing but clouds,
Wispy and filled with air, but so comfortable to float on.

I didn’t know the first word about love and you said,
“… and the best thing about him is that, he’s starting to fall for you.”
We laughed it off as a bad joke, but we hesitated.
There were many things I wish I’d asked you then.

But, I guess that little girl lived on those words for a week.
Put you on a pedestal built with the same pointless fantasies,
Just to watch you fall and not even being able to catch.

Things He Told Me — Part I

He told me he likes it when I know what I want
And then just go on and do it.
For someone whose stubbornness wrote her destiny,
I have been led to believe that you cannot want someone stubbornly.

That’s not how people work.
“It’s not that easy, you know?”
I know.

But, we’ll pretend we’re on this crazy ride,
You and me.
It’s a great story to tell even if we don’t know how it ends.
How do I make this end?

Butterflies are free

I rarely write when I am happy. I feel the need to preserve my feelings instead of sharing them, because I cannot believe I deserve the happiness that I find. I started this post last week when I really thought I was too happy to be true. I should’ve known that I have an uncanny ability to be right about these things.

Without giving you too many details, I will tell you now that heartbreak number 4 has finally happened. If someone had asked me last year, “S, do you think you can see four boys come into your life and change the way you see things?” I had just about had enough with one. Good lord. That one still takes my breath away. So, to answer that imaginary question, I would have laughed you off, shut the door behind me and gone back to stressing about the number of days left to go home after another dreadful semester.

Remember what I said about charmers? Stay away from them.
Charm (n.) – Often disarming. Conversation starter.

I don’t know how this works, really. But, I guess we can safely say my socks were charmed right off. The right things were said and the blushes were placed at the end of the sentences like punctuation. The story of The First Date (and my first real date ever, really) was told and re-told dramatically over and over again to induce the sighing and the aww-ing at the right places. But, I was still skeptical.

Yesterday, when I figured that it wouldn’t be going anywhere after the first date, I didn’t know what else to do but smile, nod and step aside. Very few people get a chance at people they’re in love with, and knowing that someone wanted to pick between you and someone they’re in love with can be very flattering. Or at least, that’s the way most people wished to see it.

It also reminded me of this Goldie Hawn movie that I used to watch very often on TV. I guess I was somewhere between the blind guy and her. Haha, I wish. My life should be an endless number of meet-cutes where everyone is in love with me and then goes off on their own adventures after a brief one with me. I dream so much.

But, you know what really stayed with me? I am not the only one making the effort. I am not the only one who could possibly like myself (and I don’t even like myself very much). That is one of the most comforting thoughts to have when your eyesight blurs with the tears you cry in front of your computer at work. So, all that BS they say about not knowing who is probably falling in love with your smile is probably real.For two seconds, it will feel just like that. I promise.

Till the next time I can get myself to make the effort to dress up, wear my lipstick, flip my hair and adjust my top for a boy — I will just get back to work and try really hard to not think of my Sunshine.

Clouds up, ladies and gents.