Late Night Explanations to No One in Particular

Let me have a moment with you. Let me talk about things I want to be with you. Let me talk about things I want to say to you without being afraid of tearing you apart. It’s so simple, this love. Yet, I cannot fathom a time when it has not complicated the very reason for my existence. Sometimes, I get the feeling that I was meant to love while I am alive. I am meant to want more love while I am alive. I am meant to teach love while I am alive. I want to walk down this road with you too.

Don’t paint your face with a smile when you don’t even know if you are truly happy. Stop lying to yourself and to me. Don’t tell yourself that you want to be alone when you don’t know how to be alone. I don’t think anyone ever told you this, but I am afraid of you. I am afraid that if I fall, I will ruin myself. I will ruin every fibre of your being. I don’t want to be the one to do that. I want to lift you up while I can and I will try till I can. Till you allow me to. I don’t want to change you. But, don’t expect me to climb walls when I am giving you a paved way to my heart.

I am lighting up. I am lighting up. I am lighting up. I am lighting up. 

We’re Lonely and Bored, Precious.

So, this is me. Today, a day of nothing but work and I am slacking off due to distractions in form of a sexytaaaime playlist. I don’t even know why I have made this playlist considering I have no love life to speak of (I hope that calms my hyperventilating parents down).

But, I don’t know what it is about these songs that really makes me want to hold someone down and say, “Look. You’re weird and I want you to let me love you.” I even have songs on this playlist that will make me dance like Emma Watson in this trailer. So, I am totally going to have my bases covered. Very tempting to give a little Joey Tribbiani wink here. But, I will save it.

People who know me get very surprised when I tell them this is what is on my mind half the time. I have been like this since I was three. I have looked at beautiful things and wanted them. Beautiful beings, even. Too bad life gets you to a point where you realise that you’ve been wanting this for too long and never bothered to go out and get it. Or worse, that no one has ever bothered to go out and get you.

Anyway, I have this tendency to zone out in the middle of the song to imagine the scenario that we could build around it. Some days, (and this is only if you have a vivid imagination like mine) you can actually feel the presence of that dream turning into reality. There’s this one that leads up to everything. There’s the one where you’re your own alter ego, and you’re saying things you mean but will never say. There’s this one for the dim lights. If you’re overdramatic or just a Bollywood child, you have this one to keep you dreaming. There’s the song where you’re just a needy child and will say things that you only wish someone would say to you. There’s the sad, sad look you see in your own eyes in your head to this song when you just have to hold on one last time before you let go.

As I hear my neck break a little more right now with the load of an impending final tomorrow afternoon, I just want to know what it is like to be in someone’s head and know that they’re thinking the same things that you do. To the same playlist that you saved for days like these. You called it your work playlist, but really it’s just your aspirations in lyrical form.

Everyone likes being held to a playlist like this.