Terrible Weeks Call For Terrible Writing

I have had a terrible week.

It was a shitstorm of injuries, adult responsibilities and realising how much distance is just not something I will ever be ready for.

I woke up this morning, my eyes swollen from lack of sleep and excessive crying and looked at myself in the mirror. There is a slight vanity I attach to sadness and don’t ask me why I do that. Every time I am crying, I look in the mirror to see myself. It is still unclear if I am looking for the mirror to tell me I am okay or if I am just literally looking to see what I look like when I cry, quite like toddlers do.

As I looked at myself in the mirror, I remembered the last year and how every time I woke up crying and anxious, I just needed to be told I could go on. I just needed to be told that there is a world out there that I can be a part of, a world that may not fully understand me but will probably still want to accept me.

I looked at myself and said, “You have tried way too hard for you to go back to that now.” I thought of every day in the past week and how it disappointed me in every way possible. I couldn’t go back to being the person who gave up on her life before it even began.

I have been told in the past week that I am not good enough, that I am not someone that a certain person would like to be seen with, that people I love don’t have time for me. But, I still want to love myself.

We’re in a world where it is a crime to be happy and love yourself despite the odds. The odds need not look like intense distress. But, I would really like to love myself right now especially considering I have no one to pass on the torch to.

Thousand Apologies

Things have been a little slow around this side of the world. I am to blame for that, of course. Handling one existential crisis at a time, I forget to write things down as much as I would wish to. Sometimes, pen touches paper and retreats back into its shell for fear of saying things that could hurt. Sometimes, it grazes across the surface just so that it can remember what it feels like to write properly. My fingers haven’t touched keys to write more than what is required of me at work and I am truly sorry for that. Not just to you, but also to myself. It’s not a block. It’s just a barrage of things and I haven’t collected it all together just yet. Till I do, I think I should tell you of the things around me right now. The office is cold on a rainy afternoon and this is exactly the sort of weather I’d rather enjoy at home. But, here we are, keys and fingers — having a cordial discussion about the weather and hiding from their natural impulse to scream, shout and let it all out. While this is not a party playing music from 2012, it’s worth noting that even my anxious, severely bored mind refuses to let go of pop culture. Maybe this would be future bestseller/autobiographical TV series material, but right now, it’s not really fun.

I am hoping that I’ll be able to come out smarter and braver when this is done.

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But, till then, I’ll just pretend things have been pretty okay. Dress up and show up, right? RIGHT?!
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If Mindy hasn’t taken over your life and the voice in your head, you’re not watching enough TV.

Breaking it down and building it up — The Year-End Analysis Returns

I will start with the cliché. Time waits for none. As I begin dissecting this year and all the things that passed me by, I am glad I can say I am quite okay with most of it. That is as honest as I can be about my fast-vanishing optimism.

Continuing in that vein, I anchored shows in a studio, did the news like I wanted to (almost), finally found out what it is like to pass out and get my head cracked open, graduated again, got a job that gives me the sort of freedom that makes me wonder if life is spoiling me, wrote a lot, made new friends, got rid of the bad ones, remembered why I love the old ones, got closer to my probably finally getting over The Boy, met new boys and learnt the value of being busy on a bad day.

On the flipside, I screwed up and doubted my abilities on a daily basis, hit my head hard enough for them to chop my hair off and was out of action for a week, got a job that makes me wonder what I am doing with my life on bad days, realised I cannot love someone unconditionally without loving myself, realised that no one deserves a slap in the face when they love with their hearts wide open, that some friends are not permanent, your parents are not always going to be looking out for you and that there is no way out once you become an adult.

There is no way out.

You have to live with yourself, so you might as well make the choices you are pretty sure you won’t regret later. Even if you do regret them, know that you probably will not leave the building without a lesson.

I feel quite hard-hearted when I say that I have finally learnt to shut off the one voice in my head that told me to hold on to The Boy. But, some things are only as real as we want them to be. Only one of us thought it was real. So, we turned the page again. This chapter ends here. For now.

As someone who has always planned her life, this year proved to me over and over that passion is unplanned. I will find happiness in the most unlikely places and it’s not going to look like a lot of fun, but it works. I am lost, but only starting to find myself. Thankfully, age is on my side.

We are all only as beautiful as we allow ourselves to be. So, guess what. You look great in that dress. PUT IT ON.

I’m putting my dress on too. It’s a heavier heart and a more forced smile. But, at least I will be having fun. Or so I tell myself.