thank u, next: 2018

I’m here.

That’s most of what there is to it every year, isn’t it.

I’m here and I’m alive.

This year, though, I am a little worn down, a teensy bit wary, and incredibly exhausted. I have been seeing everyone’s highlights from the past year and I feel defeated by the wave of gratitude, lessons, and learnings.

Did I really live this year at all if I felt none of those things? How could this have been the slowest and yet the oddest blur I have lived through? I understand that time is relative, but how much?

I started this post thinking I’ll actually list the lessons I learned and the many many things I am grateful for. But, I am just as annoyed at the microsopic view of everyone’s lives I am getting on a macro basis and I almost want to save this for my journal.

Am I writing this to prove to you that I am more than my Instagram story? Or am I here to remind myself that I am more than the nights I spent crying myself to sleep? Being a child of the internet, I have spent so much time living my life out here. I gave so much of myself to the world — just to be seen. And now, I am trying so hard to not let myself show through the cracks in my words. It’s almost as if the layers have peeled too far to let you know that there is actually a person under all of this.

There is a person who dropped a toxic friendship. I also am the person who had to undo every single pattern that the friendship put me in. I am the person who cried more than she laughed this year. I am the person who projected her grief on to Ariana Grande because it’s all I thought I had. I am the person who was afraid to even tell their friends that there is more to me.

There is also the person who achieved her biggest goal for the year. There is also the kid who held on to her parents because it was the only form of unconditional love she thought she had. There is the person who slept (slightly) better because crying does that to you, I guess. There is the person who’s still healing.

This person is more cynical, unhealthier, and barely trudging towards the new year as if it’s going to change things.

But, it just might.

The past year has been a book that needed to end as soon as possible. So I’m shutting it down.

I’m here and I’m alive.

6 Comments

  1. i relate to your words so much!! i too was struggling to try and sum up what 2018 was to me while staring blankly at my journal lol and you just summed up everything so well. thank you, Sonia 💜 🙂

    Reply

  2. i relate to this much as well. there was toxicity that i couldn’t shut down.. have been able to somewhat turn it off almost at the end of 2018. left me rather paralyzed to make any progress in other aspects of life… anyway, here’s to strength.. and courage.. and hope.. for 2019. hope is if i can manage to build some. thanks for sharing.

    Reply

  3. Thanks for this. I relate to a lot of this and yet I don’t. 2018 has been a difficult year and I have no hopes for 2019. But this gives me a bit of hope to define myself as a person and not let people define me by the fact that I struggle a lot with myself. Sending love and more power to you, Sonia.

    Reply

  4. I stopped believing in the spirit of a new year and the incredible amount of hope everyone seems to have because i haven’t been able to live in any other way than just day to day for a long time. I feel like I’m lying if I tell people to have faith, and trust because I really don’t know where I’ll be a few months from now, or even next week. And there’s too much of an overload of people looking forward to time and change, when I’m terrified, absolutely, completely terrified of both. But thank you, for this. I’m a person, and the strongest thing I can do right now, the strongest thing I’ve done for the last year, is live. And that’s one of the few things I’m truly proud of myself for. I needed this reminder. I’m shutting last year out. I’m alive. Thank you.

    Reply

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