I will start with the cliché. Time waits for none. As I begin dissecting this year and all the things that passed me by, I am glad I can say I am quite okay with most of it. That is as honest as I can be about my fast-vanishing optimism.
Continuing in that vein, I anchored shows in a studio, did the news like I wanted to (almost), finally found out what it is like to pass out and get my head cracked open, graduated again, got a job that gives me the sort of freedom that makes me wonder if life is spoiling me, wrote a lot, made new friends, got rid of the bad ones, remembered why I love the old ones, got closer to my probably finally getting over The Boy, met new boys and learnt the value of being busy on a bad day.
On the flipside, I screwed up and doubted my abilities on a daily basis, hit my head hard enough for them to chop my hair off and was out of action for a week, got a job that makes me wonder what I am doing with my life on bad days, realised I cannot love someone unconditionally without loving myself, realised that no one deserves a slap in the face when they love with their hearts wide open, that some friends are not permanent, your parents are not always going to be looking out for you and that there is no way out once you become an adult.
There is no way out.
You have to live with yourself, so you might as well make the choices you are pretty sure you won’t regret later. Even if you do regret them, know that you probably will not leave the building without a lesson.
I feel quite hard-hearted when I say that I have finally learnt to shut off the one voice in my head that told me to hold on to The Boy. But, some things are only as real as we want them to be. Only one of us thought it was real. So, we turned the page again. This chapter ends here. For now.
As someone who has always planned her life, this year proved to me over and over that passion is unplanned. I will find happiness in the most unlikely places and it’s not going to look like a lot of fun, but it works. I am lost, but only starting to find myself. Thankfully, age is on my side.
We are all only as beautiful as we allow ourselves to be. So, guess what. You look great in that dress. PUT IT ON.
I’m putting my dress on too. It’s a heavier heart and a more forced smile. But, at least I will be having fun. Or so I tell myself.