Now, I dislike religion. I am quite against customs that, though based on some very profound truths, are used as an excuse to decide the way we live and the idea that we have to be a certain way because of the religion we are born into seems ridiculous to me. But, you are not my aunt and I don’t have to justify this to you.
Faith is different. The fact that we “propogate” it is a lie. Faith is inherent to our DNA. I have spoken earlier about the futility of hope, yes. But, faith is something else. Now, despite my dislike of religious customs, I don’t know any other way to express my faith — which is why I still go to church on a bad day. My parents are nice, God-fearing people. I guess they didn’t think too much about the way they were raised the way I did — by constantly asking “why”. Thankfully, instead of preaching, they taught me of the benefits of faith. There are still some days, though, that I am told why I should probably pray some more (“Praise the lord, S.” “Do you even Psalms 23 and 91, bro?”).
First, I will quote you some Paramore.
It’s not faith if you use your eyes.
You don’t have to believe in a miracle like the song, necessarily. But, you have to know that at some point of time, this ends. Everything ends. So, take a minute and let the moment seize you and you will be just fine. Our infinite obsession with control is probably half the reason we’re miserable anyway.
Faith, with all its positive connotations, can break you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Your faith in things will let you down and you will be left feeling as close to orphaned as you can possibly feel. It will leave you feeling betrayed and honestly, a little stupid. I don’t think a boy standing you up would hurt half as much. You’re humiliated and the audience is your own conscience. “How could I have been stupid enough to believe that would actually work out?” is a question you will ask yourself on loop. Of course, I hope you already know there is no answer to it. But, keep at it. Because, believe it or not…
… faith pays back. It’s got the same deal as karma. The more positive energy you give it, the more you get back. I get it. Annie is right. It’s exhausting and most days, I drag myself out of bed and have minor breakdowns on a weekly basis (Guys, Mondays are tough. Okay?). But, the pain we feel now reminds us that we can heal. You know how? Faith does that.
Excuse the excessive sugar coating here. Let me get down to the dirt now.
The reason I am even writing this at 4 am is because I was (surprise surprise) at church this evening. This church happens to be the only religious place I have actually found peace in. I am a back-bencher, really. So, I didn’t mind being alone at the back, left to my own devices. But, there was just something odd. Halfway through my prayer, I started weeping. Not crying, not a stifled sob. My entire body shook because of the crying. No, Dad, I didn’t magically realise God is awesome. I have always understood and acknowledged the presence of a Higher Power. This was different. It was as if the one thing that really got to me came out gushing through my eyes and in my prayer. This is very unusual for a borderline agnostic like me (I swear to God, we’re real. Or not God. I don’t think I don’t know yet. I don’t know). What I do know is that I have held it together for years about this. My faith has rewarded me, defeated me, sapped me of all my strength and tested my courage in seemingly simple ways. But, I have held it together. Faith broke me down today. I was vulnerable and I am telling you this because as soon as I realised I had something to go by, knowing that some deified authority could fix this, I was okay. I wasn’t sobbing anymore.
Now, this is not an epiphany. It’s more of a reflection. I haven’t found God nor have I had my faith restored in religion. I am still as skeptical. But, at least, I am not as hurt. Knowing that something out there is waiting on you makes you feel slightly more significant. Don’t look at the larger picture, sometimes. You might just find a story right in your own head. For five minutes, this world is yours.
Who told me?
My faith in you did.
And you know why I am probably right?
Because I expect nothing more than… 😉